Remembering kindness amidst conflict
Like most human beings, I don’t want conflict around me. I definitely don’t like it when I am directly involved in conflict.
One aspect of conflict that is intriguing for me is that when there is conflict, people start remembering the failures, shadows and misfortunes of person they are in conflict with. Let us say you are person A and you are experiencing intense stress in your relationship with person B. Let us say that you speak about person B with other friends. Most likely, you will recount all the times person B had become angry, frustrated, greedy, aggressive or unreasonable in the past. In a family where people don’t get along, everyone is contactly pointing out failures of others.
Contrast this “counting of failures” with the forgiveness ritual of Babemba tribe as desribed in the book called “The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace”. In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, they are placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every adult and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All the positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.
Instead of counting failures of someone who might have caused harm and shaming them further, this tribe counts when they were at their best. When was this “accused” able to offer love and kindness successfully? They remind the “accused” of their ability to love. I would like to imagine that we can point out what is wrong and also love people in a way that we can collectively rebuild our fabric of belonging. In most conflicts I have witnessed, every person wants to belong, and not “win”.
Of course, we must move with care and not doubt ourselves if someone in a position of power is causing constant harm. But in many cases we can take steps to soften our conflicts with others. How can you move towards forgiving yourself and others? How can we move towards remembering and reinforcing each other’s goodness?